Spam
by N2
Summary: Ultimate XMen. Email between Northstar and Colossus.


**From: "J.P. Beaubier" **

**To: "Piotr N. Rasputin" **

**Subject: snort**

Piotr

There was spam in my junkmail folder this morning with the subject line reading "Erections like steel."

And then I remembered I should e-mail you.

So. Hi.

- Jean-Paul

* * *

**From: "Piotr N. Rasputin" **

**To: J.P. Beaubier **

**Subject: Re: snort**

You have a warped sense of humour.

- Piotr

* * *

**From: "J.P. Beaubier" **

**To: "Piotr N. Rasputin" **

**Subject: that's it?**

I send you a fantastically witty and somewhat risqué e-mail and that's how you reply? Honestly. I'm beginning to figure out why you were single for so long.

- Jean-Paul

PS: Your middle name is 'N'?

* * *

**From: "Piotr N. Rasputin" **

**To: J.P. Beaubier **

**Subject: no**.

So. I'm not single now?

And my middle name is Nikolievitch.

- Piotr

* * *

**From: "J.P. Beaubier" **

**To: "Piotr N. Rasputin" **

**Subject: Re: no**

Nikolievitch?

The language of the old country is so amazingly unsexy. I'm sure the Russian way of saying, "I want to take you away from this frozen hellhole and make sweet love to you" sounds like someone yelling at a New York cabdriver while clearing his sinuses of phlegm.

- Jean-Paul

* * *

**From: "Piotr N. Rasputin" **

**To: J.P. Beaubier **

**Subject: Mm.**

You never answered my question.

- Piotr

* * *

**From: "J.P. Beaubier"**

**To: "Piotr N. Rasputin"**

**Subject: Honestly…**

Piotr. Please. We've had, what? One date? That was interrupted by some sort of horrible mutant terrorist group or something? I hardly think we should be picking out drapery together yet.

Tell me: do any 'X-men' have nice normal relationships?

- Jean-Paul

* * *

**From: "Piotr N. Rasputin" **

**To: J.P. Beaubier **

**Subject: Re: Honestly…**

Actually, it turned out it wasn't a mutant terrorist group but some guy who warps reality. (Don't ask – I'm not sure it makes sense to me either.)

Anyway, I'm sorry – I wasn't trying to upset you. To be honest, this whole dating thing is entirely new to me. (And I'd be the last person anyone should ask about 'nice normal relationships' – although I think most people around here are pretty ordinary in that respect. Except Logan. And the Professor. And probably Rogue.)

So if I say something really stupid, I'm sorry.

- Piotr

PS: Drapery? Could you be any more gay?

* * *

**From: "J.P. Beaubier" **

**To: "Piotr N. Rasputin" **

**Subject: oh look, a new emotion: guilt**

So, some guy who warps reality decided to wreck a homecoming dance?  
…  
You know, Piotr, when I first realised I was gay I thought things couldn't possibly get any more difficult. And then your weirdo friends showed up and told me I was a mutant and I thought, "Okay. This is DEFINITELY the weirdest my life can get." And then I moved to the Academy and somehow let Frost talk me into joining her little Pep Squad and I was positive that was the apex of weird.

And then I started talking to you. And suddenly I feel completely normal again.

Which reminds me… Doug showed me something the other day. link It's you. On the cover of some bizarre Japanese magazine. You look like a Calvin Klein underwear model.

And look, I didn't mean to get all snarly. It's just, well, certain people may have started referring to you as my boyfriend, and I know that you're not and everything, and it's just sort of annoying and I'm not naïve enough to assume that we won't hate each other a few months down the line or something.

Okay?

And for the record, YES I could be more gay. I could be singing showtunes and cutting hair.

- Jean-Paul

* * *

**From: "Piotr N. Rasputin" **

**To: J.P. Beaubier **

**Subject: don't feel guilty.**

Oh, god. THAT magazine.

I can explain that. We were in Japan for this P.R. thing and we had all these people ask us for photo shoots and stuff and… yeah. Uhm. This is really embarrassing.

My life isn't normal. It hasn't been since I was a kid. My entire concept of 'normal' comes from watching reruns of 90210.

I really like you, Jean-Paul. You're beautiful and smart and I wish I could see you more often. I know I'm probably not supposed to tell you that, but it's true. I would be honoured to be mistaken for your boyfriend.

- Piotr

* * *

**From: "J.P. Beaubier" **

**To: "Piotr N. Rasputin" **

**Subject: you love Luke Perry.**

Piotr. You are... Sweet. God, I hate you.

You watch 90210?!

- Jean Paul

* * *

**From: "Piotr N. Rasputin" **

**To: J.P. Beaubier **

**Subject: do not.**

It's the only thing on in the afternoon!

- Piotr

* * *

**From: "J.P. Beaubier" **

**To: "Piotr N. Rasputin" **

**Subject: do so**

Now I know what caused that "erection like steel."

- Jean-Paul


End file.
